BONUS EPISODE:
"2-D DICTATOR TRAINING"

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Welcome students. I'm Professor Gnarl; I'll be teaching your course in two dimensional dictatorship defense, uh, 101.
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Thank you for coming. We all know why we're here: We each maintain our own little platform game empire, and we'd like to protect it from invasion.
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But it's tough. Crazed individuals tend to breach our borders, stomp on our soldiers' heads, and conquer us singlehandedly. It's a shame we never want to repeat.
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Fear not. As we shall see, security in a 2-D world is rather simple. There are easy steps you can take to ensure that high-jumping heroes can't defeat you.
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LESSON 1:
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
It makes killing them easier.
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Observe this so-called hero. Let's call him, uh, "Steve." He has an approximate jump length of four blocks.
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So all you have to do to keep him from approaching your castle is to install a pit that's five blocks wide or more. Voila!
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Or, let's look at this from another angle: Hero Steve also has a jump height of about two blocks. So build a wall three blocks high, and again, stupid ol' Steve cannot pass.
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In fact, just put up a wall that spans the entire screen height, and you'll never have to worry about invasion again!
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LESSON 2:
SETTING TRAPS
One of the best perks of villainy.
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Suppose that, despite your best efforts, dumb ol' Steve has somehow entered your fortress. All is not lost. This is where your clever traps come into play.
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First, let's talk about what not to do: A lot of you like to set up a series of repetitive traps which can be cleverly avoided with good timing. This is a no-no.
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Sure, these kind of traps look dangerous, but when you give them a learnable pattern, Steve will always figure them out.
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Traps should be unavoidable. No silly games about timing or jump skill, just instant death. Get the picture?
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Question? No, you are not required to leave a speed power-up or some other device to help Steve get by. Sigh, moving on...
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LESSON 3:
BOSS BATTLES
Ah, the thrill of the hunt!
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If you've followed the earlier lessons' advice, you should never have to worry about these. But to be thorough, let's cover winning boss battles.
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How can your boss be beaten? If you examine your bosses, you'll usually find that they have only one or two weak points, which can be easily remedied.
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If your tank is made of indestructible metal except for its flashing lightbulb weak point, then cover that part up, okay? It's common sense.
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Or if your boss dragon can only be hurt by stomping on her head, then get her a helmet for Pete's sake! It's all about planning.
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Really, it usually takes only minor modification to make a boss unbeatable. But truthfully... you probably don't even need your bosses.
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Let's say you've set up a room that locks shut behind Steve when he enters, forcing him to fight the boss to escape. Well, why bother with the boss?
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You've got him locked in an inescapable room now, so just leave him there to rot!
No boss required.
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Yes, Dr... (Where's my syllabus?) Riley, is it? Whatever. You say you sometimes use transporters to send the hero to your bosses? Easy to fix.
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Get rid of 'em. Why should you help your enemy out? Take the transporters away, and he'll have nowhere to go but an empty room.
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Or if you're a bit more cruel, why not replace the transporters with disintegrator beams? Better yet, just set the transporter to beam your opponent to the center of the sun!
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By the way, I think your disappearing block puzzles are a good idea... if you remove one of the blocks.
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To conclude, I'll summarize everything as such: Make it impossible for Steve to do his thing. Not hard, impossible. Then you'll be a winner.
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Alright, that's it for today. For your homework, remove an important stepping stone from the hero's path. Good night.
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Oh, hi Radd. What are you doing here?
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2-D Dictator Training
©2003 by Dan Miller
www.kidradd.com

Thanks for watching.

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Kid Radd ©2003 by Dan Miller
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